Tuesday, January 25, 2011

There's No Crying on The Bachelor.

Or, at least there shouldn't be.  Seriously "ladies," you're crying over Stephen Bradley Pickelsimer, hardened criminal extraordinaire. (Pause: Can't really blame the guy for changing his last name from Pickelsimer to Womack.)

Our delight begins when Crazy Eyes awakens with a mysterious black eye!  Have the other women finally gotten tired of her crap?  No one fesses up to it, so she's going with "it's stress."  Compounded with the fact that she "wakes up with heartburn" and "doesn't sleep," Crazy Eyes is having some emotional trouble dealing with the fact that Brad is dating Chantal anyone else.  Crying event #1.

Brad comes to pick up Chantal the Slapper for their one on one date, but is first bombarded with an "I woke up with a black eye" plea for attention from Crazy Eyes. Quick on his feet, Brad says, "Uh, you ok?"  Crazy Eyes tries to milk it, but is stymied by.... a helicopter!  Usually a staple of Bachelor dates, this is our first whirlybird of the season (don't worry, it won't be the last of the night).

Brad and Slap Happy are whisked away to the lovely Catalina Island to torture Chantal "walk on the ocean floor."  Slap Happy is not excited due to her fear of going to the bottom and never coming back up.  (Isn't there a TWSS in there somewhere?)  But, she "conquers her fear" and they have a lovely stroll through seaweed.  Cut to them arriving at an oceanside cabana picnic.  Slappy is "falling for" Brad, having had one and a half dates over three weeks with him.  They gaze into each others eyes with the romantic words "I like you a lot." Slappy gets the rose.

Group date time!  Don't get too excited-- there were no extra video cameras this week.  Brad takes the "ladies" to Loveline so that Dr. Drew can pry into their lives chat with them on the radio. "I'm hoping to create an environment where these women can open up to me."  Because nothing encourages honesty and openness like being surrounded by a dozen other women dating the same guy and being live on the radio.

Brad allegedly has never cheated on a woman, but poor Stacey the bartender has.  But it was in college and she was drunk, so it didn't count.  I mean, she shouldn't have even been in a relationship then, according to Dr. Drew.  After seeing the look on Brad's face at this confession, no one else owns up to cheating.  After the radio confessional, Brad and the "ladies" go swimming.  Of course.  (Seriously, is there NEVER a date that doesn't involve water and semi-nakedness??)  During this group swim, Alli starts crying because Ashley the Nanny interrupts her time with Brad all while sweetly apologizing and asking for a hug.  Really?  I'm not going to hug the woman who's stealing away my bf.  (Crying event #2)

Then, Ashley the Dentist tries to be coy and manipulating.  But Brad's been in therapy, so this backfires.  Big time.  She sees him kiss Britt (who I'm told has been on this show since the beginning) and has a hissy fit.  Ashley whines to Brad about how "hard this is" to hear about other dates.  Being the sensitive guy he is, Brad suggests that it is it fun and exciting.  "Yeah, for you," replies Ashley (who really says what we were all thinking, but should not say out loud).  This pisses Brad off big time.  So much so that he totally calls her out in front of all the other girls in the hot tub.  Looooong awkward moment with all the "ladies" until Brad ushers Britt away and basically throws the rose at her.  Poor Britt doesn't even realize what's happening, but laps up the rose excitedly.

Back at the house during the group date, Crazy Eyes finally gets her golden ticket!  Slappy observes that all the other date cards have said something about "love" but CE's only says "let's hang out together."  But, "it's probably nothing."  Crazy Eyes freaks, wondering what this means for her.  Nicely done, Slappy.

The next day, Brad comes to pick up Crazy Eyes, but first has to deal with Ashley.  They have a heart to heart about her first date curse and that he still wants her around, blah blah blah.  Michelle is inside SEETHING because Ashley is ruining her one on one.  Brad finally comes back to Crazy Eyes, saying "It's your big day!"  (aka-- Today is the day I deem you worthy enough to be with me. You're welcome.)  They drive to Brad's "house" for another helicopter pickup!!  This time, their destination is the top of a building.  Yes, much to Crazy's dismay (quasi Crying event #3), they are on top of a building and have to get down via rope.

SIDE BAR: This has really pissed me off about the producers this season-- apparently they have asked all the women what their biggest fear is and planned special dates for them to do just that.  There was Emily on the small plane, Chantal and the water, now Michelle and heights.  Next week they are going to make Emily get in a race car.  Come on, producers, this is ridiculous.  END SIDE BAR.

Crazy Eyes "conquers her fear" and rappels down the building with Brad.  "None of the other girls back home can even compare with what I've been able to share with him.  Boom!"  Oh, hello Ghetto Crazy Eyes.  The rest of their date is in a pool (duh) and is uneventful, so Brad gives her the rose.

Brad's "therapist" comes back and basically tells Brad that whatever he says is right and to keep doing what he's doing.  Nice work, doc. And, we move on to the cocktail party...

"Brad" created a nice little picnic for Emily since she didn't get a date this week, and this sends the rest of the women into a mega-tizzy.  (Crying event #4)  Chantal totally loses it, and Brad consoles her with these words, "I'm so wildly attracted to the fact that you're everything that I have not been with in my past."  Um, thanks?

Brad sends home Stacey the bartender (clearly he did not appreciate her openness and honesty about cheating in college), Meghan, and Lindsay.  None of whom I knew before this episode.

What did you guys think?


  1. Just from what I've watched so far, I think Brad is going to pick Emily in the end and I'm hoping Michelle goes off the deep in and he can see her "true" side so to speak.

    I skipped down through your entries and noticed you are a NASCAR fan - I'm a big one myself :)

    (got you off of random - hope you don't mind I stopped by!)

  2. Even though I watched it on TV last night..I love reading your thoughts about the show!!

  3. I don't watch the Bachelor, but judging by your very entertaining and thorough recap, I may have to start!

  4. Oh gosh...this made me laugh so much!! I haven't been watching this season, but aren't all seasons basically the same??

  5. Once again, I have yet to watch this episode but you had me laughing the whole time. I agree that its dumb that the producers are all about curing fears! Hope you are doing great, Katie!

  6. Found you through my niece in law (Vanessa at Lovin' Life), I've only read a little of your blog but I think I like it alread...therefore I am now a follower. :) Love your blog design and my take on the Bachelor is the black eyed girls a nut, I like the one in your last picture (don't remember her name) and also the one that's baby daddy died. Hope you'll check out my blog and follow along.

  7. hahaha oh my goodness gracious. this was hilarious and yet so true...Michelle needs to go. End of story. Boom.

  8. HA HA HA!! I love your write ups. They are the best!! This sounds like a really bad Lifetime movie. I want to know how much of this is "real" and how much is scripted. This is too priceless to be real, right??

    Have a good day! Let me know what you find out about the $1 million guys! ;)