Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Mobs, Phantoms, and Jerks.

The moment you've all been waiting for is back!  My first Bachelorette recap of the season!  I wasn't going to blog about the Bachelorette this season, but after last night, there was no way to avoid it.   (WARNING-- this post is super-long.)

Holy cow, what a night for our chronically insecure ballerina, Ashley.  But before we get to the crazy, there's some happy.

First, the One on One Date with Ben!  Things start of really well.  She picks him up in an unbelievably awesome Maserati and they head to a dance studio where she teaches him some "hip-hop" moves.  (I'm pretty sure these don't qualify as hip-hop, but whatevs...)  Then she takes him to the middle of a shopping center for a picnic.  Because, really, isn't that the best place for a picnic?  If Ben didn't realize anything was up at this point, he's a little daft.  Why would you have a picnic in a shopping center?

Oh wait-- because you're part of a Flash Mob with Far East Movement performing live!!  Which, I'll give the producers is kind of cool.  I would love to be part of a flash mob.  Heck, I'd just love to see a flash mob.  Ben is a really good sport about the whole thing, even though he is clearly uncomfortable.  But, of course I too would dance like a fool in public to see Far East Movement sing "Rocketeer" live.  They kiss at the prompting of the crowd and FEM.  Slightly awkward, but Ben doesn't seem to mind.

At dinner, it gets VERY awkward when Ben cannot stop talking-- "I want to live in a bubble with somebody I want to live in some unrealistic idealistic bubble where we are convinced that we are like more in love than any other couple that ever lived I know that sounds wild..." and on and on he went.  I swear the dude did not take a breath for a solid five minutes.  Fortunately for his oxygen-deprived brain cells, Ashley breaks in with a "Whoa!"  Yes, that is definitely the word I was thinking.  Ultimately she decides she likes it and gives him a rose.

The next day is the Group Date.  And here's where the episode starts to go downhill.  Rapidly.  The Phantom (real name is Jeff but does that really matter?) decides that today is the day that he shall reveal his face to Ashley.  So within five minutes of her arrival at the house, he scurries her onto the patio for the moment the birds and squirrels have apparently all been dreading.  He takes his mask off and she says "oh."  And not in a good way.  She admits to the camera, "He's a lot older than I thought he was."  Bad sign, Phantom.  Bad sign.  Personally, I think he looks slightly creepier without the mask than with.  But, that's just me.  It's the bug-eyes.

And with that anti-climactic reveal out of the way, the gang heads to a comedy club where they are going to roast Ashley.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I have no idea who in the world thought that this would be a good idea for a date, but they are about to be proven very, very wrong.  It actually all starts out fine with the guys jabbing each other, then it gets a little more personal with some jokes about Ashley's small boobs and her being one of "Brad's leftovers."  But, she's totally fine with that.

Then William steps up to the podium.  Poor, delusional William, who thinks this is his chance to live out his stand-up comedy dreams and impress Jeffrey Ross.  Little did he realize, I guess, that he's supposed to be trying to impress ASHLEY!  Oops.  He breaks out this winner-- "I thought I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal, and then Ashley's here.  Really, who gives a sh--?"  Someone in the crowd screams the best line of the evening-- "Too soon!" 

After William basically breaks the girl's heart, Ashley can barely make it backstage before she completely breaks down about how it's her biggest fear that the guys wouldn't want her and that they'd want Emily or Chantal instead. Bentley, seeing an opportunity to help manipulate, quickly goes to her side and tosses some general nice words in her direction. "You have everything. Your body, your face is beautiful. You're the best dancer in the world." Then he throws this gem at her-- "With 25 guys, I promise you, at least 24 of them were really excited it was you." And at this moment, I literally scream at my television. But, Ashley eats it up. Sigh...

After Bentley talks her down from the ledge, Ashley and the dudes head to a cocktail party because we all know that liquor is going to help this situation improve. William quickly tries to apologize for his comments but really only throws himself on the sword saying he deserves to be sent home and that he's too toxic for her to be around. So, he leaves the building. Ashley just wants some comfort, which clearly cannot be found with William, so she makes out with Ryan instead. This seems to make her feel a little better.

And given the emotional theme of the night, she decides to confront Bentley about the "warning" she had received about him from Crazy Michelle. He doesn't even deny that he is here for "The Wrong Reasons." Just kind of side-steps the issue-- "I will say that it doesn't really apply to what we have going on here at all.... [Crazy] Michelle knows my ex-wife and, um, I wouldn't even say that that would be a great source of information. Yeah."  Wow, what an emphatic denial... Doesn't matter-- Ashley is eating up every bit of crap he's dishing out.

Ryan with the heart-healing lips gets the rose. Which means Bentley's done-- "I'm checking out."

And he's not kidding.  The next day, Bentley packs up his bags, tells the other dudes that he has to go home to his daughter (who I feel an absolute sympathy for by this point).  They all fall for it, much to his evil delight, and wish him well.  He lands on Ashley's doorstep, and instantly she knows something is wrong.  And being the total coward that he is, he blames his leaving on missing his daughter.  And being the total jerk that he is, he leaves Ashley with no closure-- "I still want to keep the dot-dot-dot."  He FINALLY leaves (after contemplating having sex with her to make her stop crying), and Ashley runs sobbing to her bedroom.  "My heart is totally broken. Was I wrong about everything?"  Um, yes.

And just like that, it's time for the One on One Date with JP.  Poor, sweet JP.  He knows Bentley has left and that Ashley is going to be sad.  He shows up with flowers for a nice evening in.  She's clearly still reeling, but JP is probably the perfect guy to deal with it.  They lounge in pajamas before a fire, and he gets the rose.

The next night before the Rose Ceremony, Chris tries to talk some sense into Ashley, who is still completely devastated by Bentley's exit.  He tries to tell her that she wasn't in love with Bentley but more the "idea of him."  But she's not really buying it.  She still thinks he's a great guy who went home because he couldn't be away from his daughter.  Chris even tells her the "dot, dot, dot" was lame and that if Bentley had really wanted to be with her, he would've found a way to make it happen. (Words of wisdom from our host there.)  It appears that Chris might have gotten through slightly to Ashley with this remark, but she still does not feel up to a cocktail party.  And with that, our resident comedian William realizes he will not have a chance to try to redeem his ridiculous behavior.

Ashley gives roses to some guys I've never seen before in my life and bestows the last rose upon William, much to his great relief.  But she sends the Phantom back to his underworld lair.  Poor Phantom is so distraught about Ashley kicking him to the curb that he burns his mask in the fireplace before stating that he doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life.  I have a few suggestions to improve your odds next time, buddy...

It was a crazy, horrible night.  I knew it would be before I even watched, but it was impossible to stay away from.  I honestly hope that Ashley can pick up the pieces for the rest of the season, but I don't have high hopes for that.  


  1. This is why I stick with crime shows and The Waltons reruns! :) hehehe...I need to be sure Monica sees this. I'm sure she DVR'd it last night while we were at the game, but she'll love your recap! Great job!!


  2. It was such a crazy episode!! I had no idea it was going to be so crazy. I still can't believe she gave William a rose after that roast. I would have sent him packing. I was glad that Phantom was sent home...though I'll miss the music they played for him, haha!! I was yelling at my TV allll through the whole Bentley mess. How can she not see that he was such a manipulative jerk?! The way he side-stepped the Crazy Michelle issue was a HUGE giveaway. Uuuugh. I have a feeling this is going to be a very long season.

  3. My do I subject myself to the pain that is the Bachelorette? Ugh it was SO bad and Ashely need to get some confidence and smarten up. Oh well what would we tweet, blog and chat about w/o all this drama!!

  4. I can't get into the Bachelorette. I don't know why. I love the Bachelor. This season, I think part of it is I don't like Ashley. I didn't like her last season when Brad was there. I'm with some of the guys - it should have been Chantel. :)

  5. I can honestly say that your commentary makes my day- you are so stinking funny and so spot on with everything you say. PLEASE keep these posts going!

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