Monday, April 29, 2013

Saying Goodbye to a Friend.

It's been a year since I lost a friend.  I didn't lose her to cancer or a car accident or a cross-country move.  I lost her to an unforgiving heart and bitterness.

Among our small group of friends, I was closest with Sarah for years.  For some reason, she and I just clicked.  We laughed, we shared, we prayed.  We traveled together and even went on a cruise together (where everyone apparently assumed that two single women traveling together had to be lesbians...).  But it was hilarious.  Everything was hilarious with Sarah and me.
But, as it tends to do, time passed.  And I traveled with Emily and April when Sarah couldn't come due to her work schedule.  And then Sarah started dating a guy (a not-so-nice guy) and wasn't around as much.  So, we hung out without her.  And Emily started to become my closest friend.  Emily was the one I called when I met Donny, not Sarah.  Emily and I went to the beach together with her parents for a week.  Sarah moved out of the apartment she had shared with Emily, and it seems that Emily didn't call her enough...  I could go on about the list of grievances she claims against us all.  But the fact is that she separated herself from us.  At first it was unintentional.  But then it became intentional.  And honestly, none of us tried to stop it.  By the time she quit our small group, we were happy to let her go.  There had been so much constant complaining from her about this boy who broke her heart, or her family, or her job, or us, or whatever.  And we felt like we had tried for MONTHS to support her, to advise her, to pray for her, and all of our efforts were rebuffed.  Nothing we did was enough, so we quit.
We did sit down with her at one final dinner to apologize for our failures to make sure she felt included in the group and to invite her to back into our bible study and into friendship.  She said she'd think about it as she left.  And we never heard from her again.

She's moved to a new city now.  She's back with that boy.  And she has a new job.  All of which I learned from facebook.  I haven't spoken to her in over a year.  She missed my wedding.
I'm a firm believer in the idea that some friendships are not meant to last forever.  I've had other great friends fall by the wayside as our lives moved in different directions, and I'm fine with that.
I don't know if it's the way it all went down with Sarah or is a testament to how deep our friendship used to go, but I really miss her.  I miss the old Sarah who broke out into song and dance every time Beyonce came on the radio, who was endearingly obsessed with dinosaurs, and who was so much fun to be around.  It's been over a year since we've spoken, and I really miss her.  I feel hurt by her still, and I also feel some anger toward her for not giving us the benefit of the doubt and forgiveness when we asked for it.  

But more than any of that, I just miss her.

"I went about mourning as though for my friend or brother. 
I bowed my head in grief as though weeping for my mother."
Psalm 35:14


  1. Been there too Katie and it sucks! But I think sometimes it is for the best to let go and focus on the friends who give as much as they take! It seems like you did all you could do.

  2. I too have "lost" friends from both high school & college. My best friend in high school - we did everything together. But then we went to different colleges...I had a baby...we fell apart. I'm friends with her on Facebook, but any attempt I have made to try to reconnect with her has not really gone anywhere. My college roommates got angry with me after I had Dylan because I didn't spend time with them...really? It's not like I had anything else to do. However, on the flip side...I've had the opportunity to reconnect with some of my friends from way back when...and that has been great.

    I guess bottom line is that I believe, just as you stated, that some friends are only in our lives for a season. As much as we try to keep them a part of our lives, they just won't stay. I think you did what you should've to make things right. I also think that there will come a day when Sarah may come back into your life...your attempts at apologizing I think will go a long way in mending your relationship. I think your best bet is just to pray for her...and pray that if it's God's will, you will have the opportunity to be friends once again. :)

  3. This recently happened to me with one of my best friends. It is heart wrenching, and I still struggle with it. She got married this past weekend, and it makes me miss her more that I missed such a big event in her life. I've been on the fence about whether I should blog about it or not, but I'm glad you did. It makes me feel "less alone" for having lost a close friend.

  4. I am sorry about the loss of your friendship. I have also been there with my middle/high school best friend. We went to separate colleges and things just kind of went down hill from there. Diverging interests, different maturity levels, etc. It is sad and I miss the fun times we used to have but I am thankful for the happy memories. She came to my wedding and that was fairly awkward, honestly, just because I know I had changed so much since 2007, but I was glad she came. I hope as time continues the pain will lessen a bit but know you are not alone (as the comments above mine also signify)!

  5. Losing friends sucks. Especially when it's not really something you did so much as growing apart. I feel for you - I've gone through the same thing and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with it. If you figure it out, let me know!
    - Heather

  6. I feel for your girl. I feel like I have lost friends ... just in the 6 weeks since my Dad passed. I have two friends that were a huge part of my life (one since high school) that NEVER called/text/sent a card/checked on me or anything. They knew I was dealing with the most difficult thing in my life...and basically abandoned me. I don't get it...I figure even though it hurts right now...losing people I thought were great friends....I've learned who my true friends are...and that is a huge blessing. Hugs to you!!

  7. I have a friend who, I think this past week, it's been a year since I've heard from her (other than when I reached out to her and her sister on the anniv. of their brother's death), and it hurts. She and I were friends for 10 years--she was my first friend in college and one of my best friends ever. I had anticipated her being in my wedding, if not my maid of honor. But, she stopped being around as much (we live in different states), and I would reach out to her through email to find out what was going on, she would respond and I'd write back and then get nothing. And then she went off on me through an email when she found out, on my blog, that MG and I were moving in together. The ironic part of that is, I had called her earlier that week to talk about it (I had been freaking out about bringing up the subject with him) and she had never called me back. But, somehow it was all my fault.
    It still bothers me that she's not a part of my life, and that I don't have her to talk to about things, but the fact that our friendship of 10 YEARS ended in an email where she told me that she took responsibility for some of it (and then the entire email was about my "faults" with everything), and that she was just letting me know how she felt....and then I never heard from her again.
    I think sometimes we're better off. Eventually, if it's meant to be, like anything else, you'll find your way back to one another. But if it caused that much consternation, you need to spend your time with the people who appreciate you, who don't bring you down.
    Sorry for the long diatribe here...just wanted to share my own experience, too.

  8. Ugh, I hate that. Losing a friendship is rough. My best friend in high school stopped being a close friend when I went to college (I was a year ahead of her). We had some ups and downs my last year in high school and I don't think we ever really recovered from it. I've tried to mend things a few times since then, but I felt like I was always the one doing the pursuing. Friendship is a two way street.

    I've also been frustrated lately with a girl I met blogging. We were close while Joe was deployed and a little after, but since she moved to Italy (which I get is FAR away), she's dropped off the face of the earth. I know we weren't BEST friends, but it's like she's totally forgotten that we were ever close. I've sent her FB messages, care packages when her husband was deployed, everything. She went through a rough time recently and even though I tried to reach out, I get nothing back. It's really sad and frustrating. *sigh*

    It hurts when you lose a friend, no matter why or how it happened. HUGS!

  9. I know how this goes. I hate losing friends, it sucks. Especially when they don't seem to make an effort. :(

  10. Gosh, losing a friend, especially one as close as yours, is so hard. I lost a friend the summer of 2011 and I still miss her. Sometimes being a grown up is hard. I love, love, love, that you all had dinner with her one last time. Hopefully hearts will soften over time and ya'll can be at least casual friends, again. God is a redeeming God!!